Going To The Pictures

I went to the pictures (Cinema sounds a bit posh to me) on Saturday with my four year old daughter to watch Wall E.
A great film (I fell asleep eight times), but what got me was the overpriced, overcomplicated, over here (Americanised) experience of the whole thing.
Firstly I'm asked by a nice young female assistant 'would you like a Premier seat TODAY sir?'
Why is it that all these people who work in call centres, online sales or any big retail outlet always overuse the word TODAY when talking to you?
Watch out for it.
So, in answer to the question 'would you like a premier seat today sir?' I answer'no but I'd like one YESTERDAY'.
No response,so I ask 'what IS a premier seat today sir?'to which I'm told that it is a 'BIGGER seat with more leg room'How could I refuse?So I say yes I'd love a premier seat today sir!But it's a pound dearer.
So I decline.
Then, my daughter would like popcorn.
So I order a small popcorn and a medium Tango Orange for myself.I'm about to pay (a nice young male assistant - refreshments dealt with by a separate assistant than ticket sales) when a second young man comes along and says that actually if you have a medium Tango Orange and a medium popcorn it works out cheaper than having a medium Tango Orange and a small popcorn because you're then having something called a Medium Super Saver!
Well that'll do me!
They then get their heads together and work out that if I have a small Tango Orange and a small popcorn then because it's the Saturday Matinee I qualify for a free medium popcorn AND a free bar of chocolate!!

Fucking hell!!!!!!!

This is complicated - I'm gonna miss the film at this rate! So I say 'PLEASE! Just a medium Tango Orange and a medium (cheaper super saver of course) popcorn.
Thank you.
'Medium!!??
The orange was in a bucket sized container and the popcorn!
Well the popcorn I ate non stop (with the aid of my daughter) for about fifteen minutes and when I looked down at the container I had hardly dented it!
Too many more fims at this cinema and I'd need the Premier (bigger) seat for sure.
There were people there that were buying so much food that they had to get the assistants to help them carry it in! Nacho's and dips and Dorito's and all sorts of stuff.
Madness.

Then, during the film: MUNCH MUNCH RUSTLE RUSTLE MUNCH FUCKING MUNCH!!!!!

Dear me it's a wonder I slept at all.
But with all this complication, noise, eating and a full thirty minutes of adverts and trailers I was absolutely knackered by the time the film started!

Twelve quid for the two of us to get in and eight quid for the refreshments, all in all a great afternoon out (or is it in?) and worth every penny!