Thursday, 30 October 2008


So the banks have cocked it all up for us by lending too much money to people.

So, logically (?) the governments of the world give (or is it loan?) the banks money so that they can start lending to us again.

But now the banks are in trouble for not lending money to us at the moment.

Am I missing something here?

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Ghosts Farting

Ever been with a group of friends and had one of those 'phew was that you?' moments?
A distinct 'aroma' that no-one will own up to and everyone in the group is absolutely adamant that it wasn't them?
Or, ever been on your own somewhere and the same 'phew' thing happens?
You smell that smell and it most certainly isn't you?
But you're the only one there and if it wasn't you then who else could it have been?

Well I think I've got the answer.
It came to me some time ago and I'm convinced I'm right.

I think it's ghosts farting!

It makes perfect sense if you think about it, so the next time that it happens to you (and you know it will) you'll know just what it is, and if you're in a group then you can share the knowledge with your friends, and if you're alone - don't be scared!

Sunday, 26 October 2008

Planet Earth Reserve

I've often likened planet earth to a wildlife reserve.

Perhaps, I've thought from time to time, that we (all the species on earth), like the animals in the reserve have been put here by someone/thing who has sat back, let us pretty much get on with things, and of course observed us for his/her/their enjoyment.

We humans, like the animals in the reserve do not know what's going on but have a rough idea that there may be more to things than we truly know of (the animals in the reserve of course see humans, vehicles, aeroplanes etc etc but obviously don't quite know what it's all about).

Now, things on the planet earth reserve have gone a bit wrong.
One species (humans) have surged ahead of all the others and are pretty much mucking things up for all the other species.
They're pretty much mucking things for themselves too, with greed, poverty, war, want, a loss of faith, religious mania and the worship of money and possessions above all else.

So the beings that put us here have to step in.

Just like us running our nature reserves they can't just plough in.
They have to shift things subtely.

They have to make little, but quite obvious changes that will over time push us in the direction that they want us to go.

That's what we'd do to our wildlife reserves and I think that's what they'd do to us.

So how would they do this?

Well how about bringing about the collapse of the thing that peddles the new God and so called root of all evil (money), that is the Global Financial System.

And to snap us all out of our seemingly detatched from nature current state, how about catastrophic climate change?

Just a thought.

Saturday, 25 October 2008

Going To The Pictures

I went to the pictures (Cinema sounds a bit posh to me) on Saturday with my four year old daughter to watch Wall E.
A great film (I fell asleep eight times), but what got me was the overpriced, overcomplicated, over here (Americanised) experience of the whole thing.
Firstly I'm asked by a nice young female assistant 'would you like a Premier seat TODAY sir?'
Why is it that all these people who work in call centres, online sales or any big retail outlet always overuse the word TODAY when talking to you?
Watch out for it.
So, in answer to the question 'would you like a premier seat today sir?' I answer'no but I'd like one YESTERDAY'.
No response,so I ask 'what IS a premier seat today sir?'to which I'm told that it is a 'BIGGER seat with more leg room'How could I refuse?So I say yes I'd love a premier seat today sir!But it's a pound dearer.
So I decline.
Then, my daughter would like popcorn.
So I order a small popcorn and a medium Tango Orange for myself.I'm about to pay (a nice young male assistant - refreshments dealt with by a separate assistant than ticket sales) when a second young man comes along and says that actually if you have a medium Tango Orange and a medium popcorn it works out cheaper than having a medium Tango Orange and a small popcorn because you're then having something called a Medium Super Saver!
Well that'll do me!
They then get their heads together and work out that if I have a small Tango Orange and a small popcorn then because it's the Saturday Matinee I qualify for a free medium popcorn AND a free bar of chocolate!!

Fucking hell!!!!!!!

This is complicated - I'm gonna miss the film at this rate! So I say 'PLEASE! Just a medium Tango Orange and a medium (cheaper super saver of course) popcorn.
Thank you.
The orange was in a bucket sized container and the popcorn!
Well the popcorn I ate non stop (with the aid of my daughter) for about fifteen minutes and when I looked down at the container I had hardly dented it!
Too many more fims at this cinema and I'd need the Premier (bigger) seat for sure.
There were people there that were buying so much food that they had to get the assistants to help them carry it in! Nacho's and dips and Dorito's and all sorts of stuff.


Dear me it's a wonder I slept at all.
But with all this complication, noise, eating and a full thirty minutes of adverts and trailers I was absolutely knackered by the time the film started!

Twelve quid for the two of us to get in and eight quid for the refreshments, all in all a great afternoon out (or is it in?) and worth every penny!

Dave's Teeth

Dave's Teeth My mate Dave likes a drink.He likes a drink in the day.

He doesn't go out at night 'too many nutters'.Now the other day a funny thing happened to him after he'd had 'a drink'.
He lost his teeth.

Not his real teeth (he hasn't got any) but his false teeth. The bottom set to be exact, the top set are still intact.
When he left the pub he has it on good authority from the people he cheerily and smilingly waved goodbye to that he did without question at this point in time still have his teeth. Both top and bottom sets.
By the time he'd got home - literally some one hundred and fifty yards away - his bottom set had gone.
He doesn't know how.He just knows that when he got in the house and sat down that his teeth had gone.
He tells me that he sat down and thought 'bugger'.He thought that he'd better go back onto the street and look for the damned things.He thought about this for a little while and then, well, he must have drifted off because the next thing he knew it was dark.

He couldn't go and look for them in the dark (nutters) so he'd go in the morning.He slept in the chair all night and then, dishevelled, in the morning went to look for his teeth.Naturally he couldn't find them.He walked up and down both sides of the road but to no avail.

Someone must have nicked them he thought, but who and why?We'll never know.

So now he's wearing an old set that don't fit properly - he can't afford a new set he assures me, what with the credit crunch and all.

But the thing about this story that really sticks in my mind is the thought of Dave - a middle aged and respectable man - who admitedly likes a drink (or two) during the day - the thought of him leaving the pub in broad daylight and being on the street with shoppers etc bustling past and amongst all of this Dave's teeth fall out of his mouth into the street and he carries on his way oblivious!

I can imagine a passer by witnessing this (as several surely must have), Dave with his sensible clothes and hair and a Daily Express tucked under his arm, they glance at him and his teeth fall out of his mouth into the street and he doesn't even notice.

Strange times indeed.